Are You Simon Wakefield (Part 1)
Are You Simon Wakefield? (Part 1) : He Only Wanted To Start His Roid Scans by TSP
“A little while ago, Danny and I … set off on a journey that never really should have happened. It was something that would take us tens of thousands of miles around the world, meeting dozens of strangers, all of whom have one vital thing in common. But I’m sure you’ll work out what that is as you read on … Read the book. Pity us. And then pray that it never happens to you. Or, follow in our footsteps and do it yourself.” - Dave Gorman and Danny Wallace, “Are You Dave Gorman?”
Those two are quite possibly the first two people to singlehandly bring down a Planetarion alliance. You see, those words managed to de-rail F-Crew for the entirety of Round 7. Now, while Wakey is trying to convince you we get into dangerous situations, rescue Bazz and that Brows is the evil genius behind an elaborate plot to bring down the F-Crew HC, I’m going to tell you the truth. The sad truth. F-Crew doesn’t spend all round playing Planetarion, the entire alliance is geared to hunting down people with the name Simon Wakefield.
Now, this started in a pub. With Wakey, Bazz, Mike and Pelleon. Yes, Wakey was in a pub. I can hear everyone gasping now. Furthermore, they were drunk. No, Wakey wasn’t drunk, he was guzzling cokes. Now, in a discussion regarding the aforementioned book and Dave Gorman’s search for other Dave Gormans, Wakey got a little too enthusiastic and decided to make a bet regarding his real name, Simon Wakefield, and his possible aliases. '“You know what, I bet there are more Simon Wakefields out there than Dave Gormans. ”
Bazz seemed to take offence. “Look Wakey, just face it, Simon Wakefield is a pretty rare name. You’re unique, you’re individual. Even if there were lots of Simon Wakefields out there, you’re not going to meet them. You haven’t got the time. You run a Planetarion alliance ffs .”
“Alright then, I bet that I can locate more Simon Wakefields than Dave met Dave Gormans .”
In his defence, Wakey says he was very high on caffeine. At least Bazz has the defence that he was drunk.
“And I bet you can’t. In the morning, this will all be forgotten, and you can get back to yelling at LMO on IRC .”
So the gauntlet was thrown down.
The next morning Bazz woke up. Suffice to say he was feeling a little hung over. This was amplified when Wakey instructed him to “get his coat” and “meet him downstairs”.
Within two hours, they were on their way to Newcastle-under-Lyme. Bazz, understandably, wasn’t pleased about this.
“Wakey, it’s eight in the morning. You woke me up at six to drag me up to see what? Another Simon Wakefield? The one I have here is enough for me! ” “Don’t worry, we’ll be back in time for lunch .” “I need to start my Asteroid Locations! At this rate, I’ll be at least six hours behind getting asteroid scans! ” “Bazz, when you look at it like that, does it really matter?” “Yes! Especially when it’s compared to being dragged along to meet another Simon Wakefield. I can do that whenever I want. Once you’ve met one, you’ve met them all. ” “This one’s a very special Simon Wakefield. He’s a golfer. ” “Oh great. The only sport more boring than cricket. Man, if you wanted to play golf,why didn’t you just go down to the local green? It’s cheaper and nearer for crying out loud! ” “Simon isn’t just any golfer. He’s a golfer on the PGA European tour. There weren’t any famous golfing Dave Gormans, now, were there? I remembered last night that I had encountered another Simon Wakefield. You know, he only just missed out in some important golfing tournament ” “Oh, whoop-de-doo! Where are we going anyway? ” “Newcastle-upon-Lyme, home of Simon Wakefield. I rang this morning before you got up and arranged to meet him at his local golf course. Thought it would be amusing, though I’m not sure he did. He seemed a little sleepy. ” “What kind of place is Newcastle-upon-Lyme? Why couldn’t he just live in Newcastle? What did he say when you told him you were another Simon Wakefield? ” “Er, I didn’t. I told him we were big fans of his. He seemed quite pleased. ” “Probably doesn’t get a lot of fans. Certainly not psychotic ones. How are you going to document this incident anyway? ” “I borrowed Brows’ webcam.” “You borrowed it? When did you have the time to do that? You got me up at six bloody o’clock. What the blazes did Brows say when you asked him for his webcam at five am? ” “This is not the time to get into that Bazz … ”
“Where the hell is my webcam?”.
Brows was clearly not having a good morning.
“One day into the round and things are already falling apart. Oi DoUrden, look, we’ve got a lot of work to do. I can’t seem to raise Wakey or bazz at all. They must be out. Pell could be away for days and no-one would notice. As for Mike, he seems to be idling more than usual.”
“Surely we can’t be the only ones awake? They have to be on to start their asteroid locations or they’ll never get them in time. What about Rekki? Mono? LMO? Eddie? Dark Reaper? Andrea? Wolflinn? CM? TSP?”
“Rekki’s Internet connection is down, Mono claims he’s discovered something called real life,haven’t seen LMO or Eddie all morning, Dark Reaper’s still only talking about defecting back,I can only assume Andrea’s off spamming somewhere, haven’t seen Wolflinn or CM either, and TSP is off fixing himself a Full English breakfast.”
“Can’t you ring Wakey on his mobile?” DoU replied.
“Sure, if my phone hasn’t been pinched! Someone’s nicked me webcam!”
It took a few minutes for Brows to reach Wakey on the phone, but he did manage it.
“Wakey, where the blazes are you? We need you back here, not gallivanting off elsewhere. No one’s turned up and we need you for leadership, and to argue with LMO” Brows hollered into the phone, with DoU snickering when Wakey and leadership were mentioned.
“I’m heading to Newcastle-under-Lyme.” “Why?” “Don’t worry, I’ll get into that later.” “What are we supposed to do now! Everyone seems to be out of it now.” “Well, we have a very important mission. Tell everyone to forget about astro scans and quests. I need you to find out everything you can about the Department of Earth Sciences at the University of Cardiff.” “Why?” “Er, the council wants us to. It’s the new objective, and apparently you get a hundred roids if you can get the information.” “Right, I’ll get on it right away.”
DoUrden looked very concerned when Brows got off the phone. Brows simply stated, “That was Wakey. He wants us to find out about the Department of Earth Sciences at the University of Cardiff.”
“Why?” “I don’t know DoU, I just don’t know.”
Wakey and bazz were racing across the country at a top speed of forty miles an hour. Bazz was beginning to look a little less rough by now.
“Er, Wakey, I just realised something. We’re in a car. You don’t own a car.” “Yes.” “The car is yellow. It looks like a lemon. This is Brows’ car, isn’t it?” “Yes.” “How come we’re in Brows’ car? Did he let you borrow it?” “Yes.” “Really?” “Well, sort of. Look, can I borrow your phone? I appear to be a little lost.”
Meanwhile, DoUrden and Brows were pondering why Wakey had asked them to investigate the Department of Earth Sciences at the University of Cardiff, working out what had happened to Brows webcam, as well as waiting for anyone else to turn up. While waiting for the University of Cardiff to return their calls, they were watching the door intently. DoUrden sounded kind of depressed when he declared, "look, we’ve just got to face it, no-one’s going to turn up.” Which are, of course, fateful last words. At that moment, the door swung open to reveal Carrotman. Brows felt this was sure to raise the spirits of DoU, who was concerned noone was going to get any astro scans, asking “you’ve come to start asteroid locations, haven’t you Carrotman?”
“Well, that would be difficult considering I don’t have an account this round.”
DoUrden’s face became even more annoyed.
Bazz and Wakey were rapidly approaching the golfing green at the allotted time.
“Did you just drive us all the way from Farnborough to Newcastle-under-Lyme?” “Yes.” “But you don’t have a driver’s licence!” “That’s right.” “What the heck do you think you’re doing!” “Quiet bazz, you’ll freak out Simon. We don’t want him thinking we’re strange.” “So you wanting to meet him because he shares your name isn’t weird, but being freaked out because you just drove us two hundred kilometres without a licence is?” “That’s right. Now, get the laptop out.” “What for?” “Well, we need something to connect the webcam to, no?” “How’s that going to record the event anyway?” “I got onto Eddie. He’ll be watching. Everything will be sorted.”
The two of them approached the stranger, who announced, “My name’s Simon Wakefield.” With bazz hanging around in the background, Wakey responded. “My name’s Timothy West and I’m a huge fan! Can you sign this for me?” Bazz’s frown grew.
“Brows, your webcam is missing right?” “Yes.” “What if whoever pinched it is actually stupid enough to turn it on? We can hook up to it over the net and see who’s got it!” “Genius idea DoU, I’ll be right back.”
Brows emerged several minutes later, looking downhearted. “They’ve got it on alright, but it’s no bloody good. It’s just some bloke fooling about on a golf course.”
Wakey returned to the car looking satisfied. The first Simon Wakefield had been met. There were only fifty four left to meet.
DisclaimerThe real BrOwS would like me to point out he's extremely active and getting his car stolen has absolutely no reflection on his former position of attack minister. Or on his driving capabilities.
